Selfish

I realized today, while reading a friend's blog post about her struggle to fall pregnant, just how selfish and ungrateful I am.

My Mother's Day was spent sulking because Johan didn't get me flowers or a card. Because he gave me a gift two weeks early and not on the day. I had to do the dishes while he played games. I actually thought how I would love for this one day, not to be a mother and be able to do what I wanted all day long without worrying about feeding and changing diapers. Soothing cries or sterilizing bottles. Last week was a stressful week for me, emotionally and physically and I was looking forward to this one day to just relax and be spoiled. How pathetically selfish.

Last June, when Johan and I found out I was pregnant it was a huge shock. We weren't trying, but we weren't being overly careful either. And we definitely didn't think it would happen so soon. We had been married for only 6 months, I had just started a new job and we had plane tickets for America. A pregnancy was not a part of those plans. 

After we heard the heart beat our life changed. I changed. There was a life growing inside me. Things that were once important, were now obsolete. Celebrity gossip blogs were replaced with parenting blogs. Daydreaming online at JCrew was replaced with Buy buy baby. I prayed to God throughout the day, opposed to just in the morning and night. I prayed for him to please watch over this tiny being growing inside me and to keep her daddy safe so that she will know and love him as I do. 

Now that Ava is here, I continue to pray throughout the day, but mainly just thanking God for everything we have. For how perfect she is. The love Johan and I share. For the love Johan has for our daughter. Our cozy home. Our safety in this hectic world. Our family's safety and well being. For our parents and what amazing role models they are for us.

Before I fell pregnant, I don't think I realized how many people actually struggle to conceive and how lucky I was to have fallen pregnant so easily. I know a few family members and a couple friends, but I don't think I really understood the severity of their struggle. The pain they experienced while waiting for that double line or during a miscarriage. Now I wish I would have been more supportive and can only hope I am supportive enough to those still struggling. 

I am extremely disappointed in myself because I truly am grateful for everything God has blessed me with. Words cannot describe how I feel about Ava and about being a mother. Feeling her grow inside me and now watching her grow before my eyes is the most amazing thing I have experienced. I cry when she's grown out of her clothes. I tear up when Johan leaves to take her to school.  I love watching her sleep, yet fight the urge to wake her up to see her smile. It is still very tough for me to spend the days apart from her. Ava has made my life complete and never again will I take her for granted. She is the best gift I could have ever asked for.